Today I received digital proofs of my poetry book that is currently in the process of being published. It is titled “What Have You Done to the Angel?” based on my poem of the same name. It contains a few poems and some artwork by “Rezeile”. I don’t know yet when it will be released officially, but I do have the cover art.
There are two versions: one big colored book with black pages, and one normal-sized black-and-white book with normal pages. This is because they can’t do a normal-sized colored book, for some reason, so I decided to have two versions.
In the beginning I was kind of excited, but now I feel a bit nervous because most of these poems are personal, especially during the time that I wrote them. Poetry is one way I deal with things, sometimes personal things.
One of the poems I wrote was for someone that I admired. He didn’t feel the same way but I accepted that and admired him anyway. I felt he was mature and witty and he made people laugh. He was a friend. But later on, I became closer to him due to circumstances, and I got to know the real him. I discovered he was kind of an asshole. He was in fact immature, takes advantage of people, and is pretentious. And this is in addition to what he did about me. I was already involved with someone else at that time, who was a friend of his and who respected him, but he basically tried to mess it up behind his friend’s back, telling me I should be with him instead, among other ugly things. My relationship with that guy was already “messed up” to begin with, so whatever he did didn’t have any impact at all LOL. I basically tolerated his behavior because he’s been my friend for years, but I really lost respect for him. In any case, I was unsure whether to include the poem or not because it was from the point of view of someone who admired him. In the end, I decided to include it. It was part of my past as much as the other poems were.
Other funny things happened about the exact same poem. I had posted it online and also shared it with other poets in the office through a poetry mailing list. My ex-boyfriend read it online and thought it was about him and I couldn’t seem to convince him that it wasn’t. And that’s not all. Some of the other poets in the office thought it was about my boss. It was annoying and amusing at the same time. But in hindsight I figured there’s probably some detail in the poem that might have applied to both my ex and my boss.
A lot of other memories came back to me when I read my old poems again, mostly negative memories because they were depressing poems. I’m definitely grateful that my circumstances are different now. Also, maybe I should write happier poems too…
I’m not doing anything official for this poetry book yet. Once I have details, I will definitely do more for it.